The FemmeDeBloom Field Guide for
Managing Mental Health During the Holidays
Hello everyone! FemmeDeBloom a.k.a. Melanie is
back for another guest blog post! I wanted to use this time to talk about the
holidays because I personally have a weird love-hate relationship with this
time of year. As many of you know, I love themes and putting together cute
outfits for different holidays & the winter season is no exception.
However, I often also find myself struggling during this time of year because
it can also be extremely overwhelming. As a psychologist, I also find that many
of my clients experience an increase in anxiety & difficulties with mood
changes for a multitude of reasons during this time of year.
So why are we more stressed when it is
supposed to be a fun, celebratory time of the year? Turns out, there are TONS
of reasons. Symptoms of depression
including sadness, low energy, difficulties concentrating, appetite changes,
etc. can worsen when there are shorter days and longer nights. Reduced amount
of daylight can trigger the “winter blues” in many individuals. In addition, I
think a lot of people experience stress during the holidays related to
finances, social pressure, family conflict, & grief. It can also be difficult for people who do
not celebrate the mainstream holidays because marketing for them is EVERYWHERE
and it can make a person feel left out. Which, in my opinion, is the opposite
of what holidays and celebrations are meant for.
The following is a list of suggestions I have
put together to help with maintaining your mental and emotional health during
this season, no matter what holidays you celebrate. I hope they are helpful!
1) Know Your Limits
The term “self-care” is often
used in my field as an important part of maintaining emotional health. While I
agree that caring for oneself is important, I think many people only consider
self-care as “treating yourself.” Don’t get me wrong, I wholly support treating
yourself to all the good things in life that you enjoy (#treatyoself I LOVE YOU
PARKS AND RECREATION). But I want to expand the idea of self-care beyond just
getting a massage or buying that one indulgent item you’ve been eyeing forever.
Self-care is also knowing what you need (and what you don’t need) to function.
This may mean saying “no” more often, knowing how much sleep you need per
night, and not overextending yourself. I used to think that just because an
opportunity to do something presented itself, I needed to take it. This just
led me to feel exhausted and depleted. Knowing what works for you is important.
Just remember that when you do set your limits, you might be judged or shamed
for it at times and it may be uncomfortable. But that discomfort is worth it in
the end. I give you all permission to SAY NO when you need to and set your own
expectations for yourself! Get that 8 hours of sleep & don’t pick that
friend up from the airport if you don’t have the time or energy. They will
survive =P
2) Opposite Action
The “opposite action” skill is
one that I teach to my clients in therapy as a method of changing emotion when
it is necessary and it not helpful. This skill is from a therapeutic modality I
use called Dialectical Behavior Therapy, created by Marsha Linehan. When you’re
feeling sad, low, “meh,” angry, scared etc. sometimes you just need to feel the
feeling, listen to what it’s telling you and process it, let it pass, or allow
it to move you to act. However, sometimes you can find yourself “stuck” in a
feeling that doesn’t necessarily “fit the facts” (e.g. it may not fit the facts
if it is based on an assumption, interpretation, or on a threat that isn’t
real). In this case, using opposite action can be a way to transform an
unhelpful emotion. So, in the case of sadness your approach may be to isolate
or avoid others/what is bothering you. Instead of feeding into the sadness by
isolating, find a way to approach others, seek comfort, or face the sadness and
process it. If you’re angry, you may want to lash out or verbally attack others
and push them away. An opposite action could be doing something nice for
someone else or trying to put yourself in another person’s shoes. This is not only a skill that is helpful
during a stressful holiday season, but all year round! For more info on this
skill check out this link.
3)
Don't
believe everything you see on Instagram
Or
Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter or whatever the kids are using these days for
social media! While I love & appreciate social media for many reasons, I
also know that half of what we see is a lie or just a small part of the whole
picture. We tend to post whatever we want others to see (hence the existence of
filters, photo editing apps & the phrase "do it for the gram") or
what we think people want to see. There are tons of fun photo
opportunities during the holidays, so I am not saying we shouldn't post at all.
However, I think it’s important to remind ourselves to not make assumptions
based on photos we see (e.g. "everyone is having fun and I'm not";
"everyone's life is so much better than mine", etc. etc.) and to not
measure our own self-worth/the quality of our experiences in comparison with
what we see on social media. If you're already feeling like crap and you go on
social media to see everyone else posting pictures of themselves having fun,
you're going to start thinking you're the only one who feels the way you do
because you compare your inner experience to everyone's external experience.
Excessive time on social media is actually liked to feelings of loneliness. So,
before you start believing everything you see, remember that the person who
posted the cutest photo of hot chocolate at a quaint café probably spent more
time getting the right photo and editing it rather than enjoying the hot
chocolate. Also, the amount of people who "like" what you're doing
does not equal APPROVAL or validation of what you're doing! Get of the gram and
enjoy life and make connections with others during this time of year!
4)
Don't "should" all over yourself
This
little pun is something I say to myself when I recognize that I am putting too
high of expectations on myself. There are a lot of fun traditions to engage in
during the holidays lots of opportunities to give gifts, and to socialize. Just
because these exist, does not mean you SHOULD enjoy them or should have to
partake in all of them. If you don't enjoy something (e.g. giving or
getting gifts, shopping, Christmas music, ugly sweater parties, white elephant
gift exchanges, work holiday parties), it’s O.K. Telling yourself you
"should" or "shouldn't" be doing or feeling a certain way only
compounds your distress and creates shame/guilt. Don't "should"
yourself into spending money you don't have or going to parties you don't want attend.
You are who you are, and you feel how you feel. Cliché, I know, but it's all
valid! The holidays can also involve socializing with family/friends you don't
see often. Remember that we don't owe anyone an explanation for what we are
doing with our lives. We don't also have an obligation to update everyone on
what we are up to. You have the option to choose how you respond and how much
information you provide. So when Great Aunt Ruth asks you why you aren’t
married or don’t have kids yet, you have permission to walk away or better yet
ask her why she doesn’t have any new questions to ask you. Ha!
5)
Adopt a spirit of flexibility
Sometimes
we feel the pressure during holidays for everything to go perfectly. We may
want to find the perfect gifts for others, plan the perfect party or stick to
the same traditions as previous years. Unfortunately, perfection is not an
achievable goal. You cannot make everyone happy and people & families
change and grow, which means that traditions and rituals can often change as
well. People will sometimes disappoint you and certain experiences may not be
as exciting as you thought they would be. Also, sometimes, no MOST of the time, things do not
go according to plan. The more flexible you can be psychologically the better.
This is not to say that you should assume the absolute worst will happen
because you don't want to create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Just try to manage
your expectations for yourself, others and situations and be open to new
experiences.
6)
Seek
Support
Not
everyone loves the holidays and so many people are struggling more than you
realize. Do not be afraid to reach other to others or seek professional help if
you need it. One of the most powerful ways to build resilience and facilitate
healing is through human connection. Sometimes, just venting to someone who
validates your experience can transform your entire mood.
Here are some helpful resources!
For Group
Therapy:
http://findgrouptherapy.com/
http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/find-support-groups
Group Therapy in the UK
Articles:
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
5 Things to Do When the Holidays Aren't Exactly Uplifting
Crisis
Support:
Suicide Prevention Hotline
Helpline Center
International Suicide Hotline Directory
I hope these suggestions were helpful! I would love to
hear some of your survival strategies for the holiday season! Thanks for
reading!
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